Setting Boundaries in Motherhood #2: Setting Boundaries with a Partner

Once a new baby is in the picture, parents need boundaries with one another. Boundaries can be extremely beneficial in protecting a couple’s time, energy, and happiness, both individually and as a team. 

This is blog #2 in the series Setting Boundaries in Motherhood. In this specific post, we’ll examine what boundaries are, how they are challenging to set with your parenting partner, and examples of boundaries you might set with your partner so you can show up for yourself and each other.

Recap: What is a boundary? 

Here is a reminder of the definition of boundaries from the last post in our Motherhood and Boundaries series:

Nedra Glover Tawwab, licensed therapist and best-selling author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself” describes boundaries as, “...something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships," (Life Kit- NPR).  They are unique to each individual, and they are a way of communicating your wants and needs at any given point. 

Setting boundaries means being specific about what you want and need, or about what is or is not acceptable to you. It is a roadmap for a healthy relationship with you.

Want a healthy relationship with your partner? It may be best to set some boundaries.

Why setting boundaries with a partner can be challenging for new parents

There are a variety of factors that can work against couples aiming to work together to raise children. In a previous post, we discussed the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers, discussing the highly gendered expectations placed on women to know how to take responsibility for children. Even the strongest relationships may struggle with the sneaky ways in which these expectations may show up, which can cause resentment, frustration, and anger between partners.

Setting boundaries with a partner is also challenging because both people are going through a transition. Each adult is learning to become a parent and to manage a different workflow. Parents may be navigating a lack of changed expectations at work despite a lack of personal time and sleep…the list goes on. It is reasonable to expect some struggle. This creates an opportunity to renegotiate expectations for yourself and for your partner so you can both show up as your best selves. 

Setting boundaries is often uncomfortable, and can even cause an initial response of frustration or misunderstanding from your partner. However, the goal is for you to communicate ways in which to have a healthy relationship with you. You are not responsible for another person’s response to your boundary.

Boundaries You Can Set With Your Partner

Let’s explore some ways you can set boundaries with your partner.

Below is a list of common boundaries that might be helpful for you to consider, and specific examples to help you envision ways in which these boundaries could work for you and your significant other. 

Time Together/Time Alone

Maintaining your personal space vs. time as a couple can be a challenge when a baby is born. Not getting enough alone time or not getting enough time to nourish the relationship are both common topics that can cause relationship strain after a baby is born.

This boundary might look like/sound like:

• “I could really use some alone time. I have a few times in mind that could work for me to squeeze some alone time in…which one would you prefer?”

• “I’d really like to put in the effort to plan to spend together this month. Maybe we could try to stay up for a half hour and watch a show or play cards. I think ____ days could work with our schedule, what do you think works best?”

Managing Childcare Duties

Childcare duties often fall on the mom without intentional planning. The mental load of communicating with daycare, washing/labeling/readying bottles, making sure the diaper bag is packed, and having the running list of materials on hand for the baby can add up. Setting boundaries about what you do and do not want to handle can help.

This boundary might look like/sound like:

• “I’m noticing that I’m getting overwhelmed with some of my tasks at home and I’d like to talk with you about getting some help. It would really help me if you would take care of packing the bottles and labeling them for the next morning. I’m still happy to clean the bottles and repack the diaper bag at the end of the day. Can I show you how I do that and leave that to you?”

• “It would really help me if you could handle the daycare payments. I’m getting frustrated because I keep forgetting and it’d really help if you could take that on.”

Needing a Break

Sometimes, moms don’t even realize how much they take on until they notice themselves becoming resentful or angry. Part of this is because of the imbalance of expectations - moms are simply expected to take on more, even if it doesn’t work for the mom, partner, or family system.

This boundary might look like/sound like:

• “I’m noticing myself getting really amped up around…

  • (time of day)

  • (task)
    I’d really like to feel this way less. Can we talk about some options for me to get some help/more rest during that time? It would help me to show up better for us and for the baby.”

If you’d like a place to start with engaging in these conversations, be sure to check out my free exercise for couples that supports planning for another baby! 

Your ability to work toward setting better boundaries with your partner helps ensure a healthier family unit overall. There’s no better time to practice than once you bring your precious little one into the picture.