Setting Boundaries in Motherhood #3: Setting Boundaries with Family
New baby arrives. Your bundle of joy is in your arms…all the time. Let’s face it - moms and parents need help from others. It truly does take a village to raise a child. And for many couples, the family can be a great source of help
As with any other relationship, your familial relationships need boundaries too. This is almost never more apparent than when you bring another human into your family. Parents may offer advice that you don’t like, and may not be used to hearing you disagree. Your siblings (now Aunts and Uncles) may not be used to sharing their time with you. As these relationships change and evolve, reestablishing boundaries can benefit everyone involved.
This is blog number 3 in the series Boundaries in Motherhood. In this specific post, we’ll examine what boundaries are, why they are challenging to set with your families, and examples of boundaries you might set so you can show up for yourself and respect your family without losing yourself in the process.
Recap: What is a boundary?
Here is a recap of the definition of boundaries from the first post in our Motherhood and Boundaries series:
Nedra Glover Tawwab, licensed therapist and best-selling author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself” describes boundaries as, “...something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships," (Life Kit- NPR). They are unique to each individual, and they are a way of communicating your wants and needs at any given point.
Setting boundaries means being specific about what you want and need, or about what is or is not acceptable to you. It is a roadmap for a healthy relationship with you.
As you transition into motherhood, you may find that boundaries with your own family can be harder than you anticipated.
Setting boundaries with your family can be challenging for new parents AND their families
Family patterns
Each person’s family of origin (the people you lived with under one roof) included systems and behaviors - some of which probably worked in a healthy way and some which did not work out to be so healthy. This is in no way suggesting that all people are harmed by their families - although for some, there were patterns created in the past that are hard to break out of now. As a couple transitions into parenthood, they are faced with the challenge (or opportunity) to break old patterns, create new systems, and establish behaviors that work best for them.
These new patterns may be different than the families each parent came from, which can cause tension. For example, perhaps parents want to be more organized and predictable with their daily schedule for a new baby. This may be confusing and even frustrating for grandparents, aunts, and uncles if a parent sets a boundary around naptime. Or, maybe it has been easier for someone to go along with their own parent’s desires and advice prior to having a baby, but now, there is a need for sticking more firmly to personal convictions for the baby’s sake. Different parenting styles, tolerance for noise/mess, infant sleep, and schedules can all contribute to tension.
Need for Self-Reflection
Now that you’ve read some background about patterns that can emerge in family systems, it may be helpful for you to self-reflect and consider:
“Am I falling into old patterns that are creating stress for me right now?”
“Are there differing opinions between a family member and me that are causing me stress or causing stress in the relationship?”
“Are there elements in my marriage or romantic relationship that are hard due to family conflict right now?”
Considering the answer to these questions may help you identify where you may need a boundary to support yourself and reduce stress.
Setting boundaries with family can be challenging, to say the least. But, it can also establish a healthy foundation built on mutual respect for families to continue to engage with each other as they continue to grow.
Be Ready For Discomfort
One very important thing before we look at specific examples of boundaries with family is this: I want you to be ready to feel discomfort when you’re setting a boundary and ready for the family member to have a difficult time receiving the boundary. Boundaries are freaking HARD. Most of the time, we avoid setting them because we are afraid of coming off as rude, we feel guilty, or we’re afraid of someone's negative reaction. Learning to tolerate the discomfort of difficult conversations will not necessarily make them easier, but will increase your confidence about standing up for yourself with boundaries. You never know how setting a boundary could go, it may be smooth and amazing! However, preparing yourself for the discomfort can help you push past the resistance you may have to set the boundary you need.
Boundaries to Set With Family
Let’s explore some ways you can set boundaries with your family.
Below is a list of common boundaries that might be helpful for you to consider, and specific examples to help you envision ways in which these boundaries could work for you, your partner, and your families.
Visitation
Family loves to visit, especially when you have a new baby! While these visits are well-meaning, it doesn’t always leave moms feeling supported, calm, and rested. This can leave moms with a sense of resentment or anxiety over visitors.
What the Boundary Might Look Like/Sound Like:
“I am so excited for you to meet the baby. Right now, we are really working on getting into the swing of things with breastfeeding, sleeping, and everything else. We’re going to ask for people to wait until ____ to visit.”
“_(days/times)__ are great for visiting right now. We’d appreciate it if you would check in with us an hour ahead in case something happens. We just want to make sure it’s a good visit for you and we are all rested and ready.”
“_(day/time)_ isn’t a great time for us to have visitors lately. Could we do ___ instead?”
Help
It takes a village. However, sometimes “help” can come with strings attached, or can actually not feel all that helpful to a mom because of all the prep work that needs to be done so that the help can happen. This can increase stress without a boundary.
What the Boundary Might Look Like/Sound Like:
“Hey, I know you’ve been asking to help. I’ve been thinking that ____ would feel the most helpful for me right now. Could you help with that?”
“I really appreciate all the time you’ve put in to help us. I’m wondering if we could switch to ____. Would that work for you?”
Caring for the Child
We all need a break, and family can be a great source of support that can help you get out of the house. However, your expectations for how your child is cared for may be very different than your family’s expectations. Old power dynamics, a lack of clear expectations, or a lack of childcare knowledge can cause strain on a relationship without clear boundaries.
What the Boundary Might Look Like/Sound Like:
“Hey, I know you are keeping the baby overnight and we are so grateful! I’d just really like to say that __(baby) __ needs to be in bed no later than __(time)__. We’ve worked really hard to maintain this schedule so it works for the whole family. I appreciate you working with us on this.”
“I know we have different expectations on feeding schedules. ____ is okay with us, but we’d ask that you avoid ____, please. Thank you.”
Your ability to work toward setting better boundaries with your family helps ensure a healthier family unit overall. Better yet, it can help you actually feel relief when your family is able to help you instead of receiving help that causes you more stress. Investing in boundaries between you and your family early on will set you up for success in the future.
You won’t regret helping your village thrive and prioritizing yourself and your family’s needs.
