Boundaries and Motherhood #1-Setting Boundaries with Yourself
Moms and birthing parents need boundaries. Even if you’ve practiced them before, get ready for a shift when it comes to your babies. Boundaries can be extremely beneficial in order to protect your time, energy, and happiness.
In this blog series, we are going to examine boundaries in motherhood. In this specific post, we’ll examine what boundaries are, how they are unique in motherhood, and examples of boundaries you might set with yourself.
What is a boundary?
Nedra Glover Tawwab, licensed therapist and best-selling author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself” describes boundaries as, “...something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships," (Life Kit- NPR). They are unique to each individual, and they are a way of communicating your wants and needs at any given point.
Communicating boundaries means being specific about what you want and need, or about what is or is not acceptable to you. It is a roadmap for a healthy relationship with you.
Boundaries are not hard lines in the sand, unchangeable, or meant to distance you from people. They exist to help you be CLOSER to yourself and others by providing a roadmap of how to show you love and respect.
Why are boundaries unique in motherhood?
The desire to set a boundary is based on the assumption that you are an individual who has wants and needs. However, unrealistic expectations placed on mothers don’t always allow room for mothers to have their own wants and needs. This is especially true in the United States.
For example, moms are often expected to take on a caretaker role with children, to sacrifice themselves for the needs of their children, and are expected for motherhood to come naturally to them. These expectations set mothers up to have more pressure against setting healthy boundaries for themselves. (Read more about the unrealistic expectations of motherhood.)
Sometimes, when a mom (or anyone) sets boundaries, it can cause discomfort in others. Others don’t always understand the boundary. They may be used to someone acting in a way that is different than the new boundary allows.
However, learning to set your own boundaries helps you to show up with more energy, less resentment, and in a way that actually works for you and your family.
Setting Boundaries With Yourself
Knowing that motherhood comes with its own set of challenges when it comes to setting boundaries, it can be helpful to begin by setting boundaries for yourself.
Below is a list of common boundaries and specific examples to help you envision some boundaries that could work for you.
SCREENTIME
(Watching TV, Checking our phones, Social media)
Screentime can often take up a lot of time and mental energy that we may prefer to spend on other activities. Or, screen time can be used as a way to numb or ignore t uncomfortable emotions that need our attention.
This boundary might look like/sound like…
“I’m only going to check __(social media, email, etc.)__ at ____ times so I’m not constantly thinking about it.”
“I’m going to try to stop looking at my phone first thing in the morning, and instead, read a book.”
“I’m going to choose to not respond to this (text, comment, message, email) until I have the mental space for it.”
Unsolicited Advice
When you are a parent, people often provide unsolicited advice about your baby, your body, or the way you parent. While this advice is often well-intended, it can seriously drain your energy and make you feel resentful of others. This energy drain, anxiety, and resentment often come from ruminating about what to say in response to the advice, stressing about judgment if we don’t take certain advice, or how to respond to passive-aggressive comments about the advice.
This boundary might look like/sound like…
“Thank you for the advice. I’m going to think more about that.”
“I’ll talk to my pediatrician about that next time.”
“I know there are lots of ways to do this. _(My partner and I)_ make these decisions together, and we’ve thought really hard to make this decision. We are going to stick with it.”
It can be SO helpful to pick a response that feels good to you and stick with it. I often joke with my clients about being a “broken record” with your response and just keeping it on repeat. This gives people a clear message and saves you from thinking of a new response on the fly.
Rest
As moms, we often equate our hustle or productivity with showing love for others. However, when we are overworked, over-tired, and over-stimulated, we don’t always show up as our best selves for our families.
This boundary might look like/sound like…
“I’m going to leave the dishes and get to them tomorrow. I’m going to take some time to read my book/listen to this podcast and only focus on that.”
“I need your help with bath and bedtime tonight. I could really use some time to decompress and be alone- I think it’ll help me get less frustrated with the evening routine.”
Setting boundaries with ourselves can be the most challenging. But boundaries are not needed because you are weak, incapable, or somehow broken. Boundaries are a way to stay safe and happy within relationships- both with yourself and others.
Having a positive relationship with yourself is one of the best ways to show up as your best self for your baby and family.
