Expectation vs. Reality: Unrealistic Expectations of Motherhood
Moms can do it all! But… should they?
Is it a fair expectation for women and birthing parents to hustle to achieve the unrealistic expectations of motherhood?
Whether a mom is scrolling through social media, seeing images of mothers on TV, or talking with experienced moms, our society sets high, sometimes unachievable expectations for motherhood.
And we wonder why between 20-40% of moms experience anxiety during pregnancy and after having children.
Let’s talk about the roots of some of these expectations.
Where do motherhood expectations come from?
Motherhood is a Social Construct
It’s important to note that the expectations crafted around motherhood are a social construct. This becomes clear through the varying expectations for mothers in different places around the world, and in different cultures. Expectations for mothers have also changed over time.
It’s no wonder that many of these expectations for moms, especially in the United States, surround:
Having more things (some examples …. Baby stuff, money, travel, crafts, etc.)
Signing up for more experiences
Looking a certain way
Keeping children behaving in a certain way.
Knowing everything there is to know about babies and their development
Notice that many of the items on this list have to do with spending money or compliance. Do any of these expectations serve moms or kids? Well, perhaps sometimes, but if we expect moms to “do it all,” then an “acceptable” performance will never be achieved.
It’s important to recognize that deciding to become a mom isn’t an automatic approval of these expectations, even though this is commonly the message. (Think, “well, you are the one who decided to become a mom!”) Some of these expectations you didn’t sign up for, you didn’t buy into, and often, you weren’t even aware of.
Once a mom is aware of some of these motherhood expectations, she has the power to challenge them and set more realistic expectations for herself.
Common Unrealistic Expectations for Mothers
Let’s talk through some of the common messages that moms hear, and work to examine just how unrealistic they are.
Moms should know everything about taking care of children.
Considering the brain and how humans learn, it is extremely uncommon for a person to know everything about a subject that is unfamiliar and new to them.
We don’t hold these expectations for people in other areas of life, including work.
For example, when someone starts a new job, they probably experience one or more of the following supports:
Training
Years of school
Mentorship/ peer support
A period where mistakes are expected and the employee receives feedback and coaching
So why is it expected for a new mother to automatically understand the complicated nuances of raising a child?
It is no surprise that parents, especially moms, suffer when faced with the perfectionist, zero-mistake tolerance expectations about all aspects of taking care of children. There is just no way a mom can know everything about breastfeeding/feeding, hygiene, physical and social/emotional development, and all other aspects of care.
2. Moms are “naturals” when it comes to child-rearing.
To build off the idea that moms should know everything about raising children, let’s raise the stakes and expect all of this learning to appear “easy” and “natural.”
There is an expectation that moms shouldn’t have to work too hard to learn about their baby’s care. Instead, there should just be some built-in part of their brains that automatically knows what developmental milestones are appropriate for each new month of their baby’s life, should naturally know what to do when a baby has colic, or should know the right questions to ask to ensure that baby is appropriately cared for at daycare.
Although there is a lot of great research about how moms’ (and dads’!) brains change when they have kids, the important terms to consider here are “change” and “adapt” Even though our brains go through processes to change and adapt to parenthood, those two words mean there is a PROCESS happening! Not an automatic shift.
Learning while simultaneously caring for another human being is hard work, and often takes a lot of reading, asking uncomfortable questions, and trial and error.
3. Moms should be happy because motherhood is “magical.”
While many aspects of motherhood could be described as “magical,” often, this expectation is used to dismiss or gloss over the parts of motherhood that are a struggle.
For example, if a mom isn’t happy despite having time with her child, this is often seen as an inherent problem with the mother instead of an unrealistic expectation that any part of life is 100% perfect.
Not only this, but many moms experience significant body, hormone, and lifestyle changes that are challenging to work through. Often, moms face the experience that social, professional, and relationship expectations remain the same even though they have taken on the mental and physical workload of motherhood.
There’s just no way to do it all.
Ways to Create More Realistic Expectations for Yourself
Moms - what can you do to curb the discomfort of these unreachable standards of motherhood?
Increase Your Awareness. Try to notice times you are being particularly hard on yourself. Notice when you are using the word, “should.” This is a sign that there is something outside of yourself pressuring you to think or act in a specific way. If you’d like to examine this more, try out my “Examining your Shoulds” exercise. Once you can identify your “shoulds”, you’ll be able to identify where you’re holding yourself to unrealistic expectations that aren’t your own or that you want to let go of!
Reflection. Try to identify some of your needs that aren’t currently being met. Do you need more time to rest, both physically and mentally? Are there certain times of your day when you are getting overstimulated and you could use help? These unmet needs can be signs that you’re prioritizing expectations over needs. Thinking through the beginning to the end of your day and considering times when emotions commonly run high can be a great starting point for considering what needs you have that aren’t yet being met.Then you’ll have an opportunity to let go of a certain task or other expectation that might not be actually helping you to meet your needs.
Communication. Once you have an idea of ways you could get some relief, try talking with your partner or a support person in your life. You could say something like, “I feel like there is an expectation for me to [ ]. But something that would really help me to feel better would be [ ]. Could we talk about a way that we could make this work?
It's harder than it sounds to have this kind of conversation with a loved one even though they’re often the ones that want to help us the most. I recommend avoiding trying to find the “perfect” time to have this conversation or thinking too much about what you might say. Just give it a shot.
If you are looking for some more in-depth education about increasing your awareness and getting strategies for relief, be sure to check out my self-paced online course, Mama Mental Health 101.
Instead of celebrating moms for stretching themselves to the breaking point to “do it all,” let’s work to celebrate rest, asking for help, and sharing the load of raising children.
